What to Say Instead: A Firm, Loving Approach for Educators and Parents

By Kellie Smith | Little Learning Table

As both educators and parents, we all want the children in our care to thrive and grow into responsible, respectful individuals. But, let’s be honest, sometimes, it’s tough to navigate those moments when a child is testing boundaries or feeling upset. How we respond in these situations plays a significant role in how children learn to manage their emotions, follow rules, and understand the world around them.

Children respond better when they feel understood, respected, and clear about the boundaries set for them. It’s not just about being gentle all the time. In fact, clear and firm boundaries, combined with love and understanding, help children feel safe and secure. Here’s why switching up some common phrases for more loving yet firm alternatives can be incredibly effective, whether you're a parent or an educator.

1. “I love you (or care about you), and the answer is still no.”

   
   

   This phrase may feel tough to say, but it’s essential in maintaining clear and firm boundaries. Children need to know that our love and care for them are unwavering, even when the answer is no. By saying this, we convey that while their desires or emotions are valid, the rules or decisions remain in place for their well-being and safety. This phrase sets clear limits. When children are given clear limits, they feel more secure, as they understand the boundaries and expectations. It also helps them build trust, knowing that even when they’re disappointed, they are still loved and valued. Setting these limits also helps children develop self-control and understand the importance of respect for authority and themselves.

   
   

2.  “Don’t touch that!” → “That’s off-limits right now. Let’s find something else to do.”

   
   

   When we tell children “don’t” or “stop,” it can be vague and frustrating for them, especially if they don’t understand why they shouldn’t be doing something. A clear explanation, like “off-limits,” coupled with a suggestion for another activity, helps the child understand the reason and feel like they still have choices.

   
   

3.  “Because I said so.” → “Here’s the reason we need to do this—it's important for [reason].”

   
   

   Children are naturally curious and want to understand the world around them. Giving a reason behind our rules makes it easier for them to understand and accept. It also encourages critical thinking and makes them feel included in the process, rather than dismissing their curiosity.

   
   

4. “That’s not how we do it!” → “This is the way we do it in this [classroom/family]. Let me show you how.”

   
   

   Children often test boundaries because they are learning how the world works. By calmly showing them the expected behavior and explaining the rationale behind it, you help them develop a sense of order and structure. It’s about modeling the right way, not just telling them what’s wrong.

   
   

5. “You have to finish this now!” → “Let’s stay focused and finish. You can do it!”

   
   

   When children feel pressured to complete a task, it can lead to anxiety or resistance. Rephrasing this way helps shift the focus to perseverance and responsibility. You can also try framing the task as a shared effort, like saying, "we can do it," this promotes teamwork and reduces stress, which encourages a positive, supportive environment that empowers the child to push through challenges without feeling overwhelmed.

   
   

It's Not Always What You Say, But How You Say It

One phrase I’ve often used with my kindergarten students, and one they’ve used with me as well, is: “It’s not always what you say, but how you say it.” It’s a reminder that tone, delivery, and how we present our words can make all the difference in how children respond.

Trust me, I know it can be incredibly difficult to keep your cool in moments of stress or frustration. Whether you’re a parent trying to juggle the demands of family or an educator handling a classroom full of energy, it's easy to get overwhelmed. But remember, we are all human, and we will make mistakes. It’s okay to slip up sometimes. What matters most is that we keep trying, acknowledge when we don’t get it right, and offer the same grace to our children. This approach helps build a relationship based on trust, where children know they can rely on us to guide them firmly, but with compassion.

Additionally, getting on eye level with a child whenever you are talking with them shows that they matter and that you care. This simple action communicates respect and attentiveness. When children feel valued and understood, they are much more likely to accept limits and boundaries. It’s not just about the words we say, but how we connect with them physically and emotionally.

Why Loving Yet Firm Works

Children need boundaries to feel safe, but those boundaries should be communicated in a way that respects their autonomy and feelings. Whether you’re a parent or educator, by replacing reactive phrases with ones that are both firm and loving, we’re giving children clear expectations while showing them empathy and respect.

This approach builds trust, encourages healthy emotional development, and ensures that children understand that their behavior has consequences—while also reinforcing that they are loved, valued, and capable of making positive choices. When children understand the why behind the rules and are guided in a compassionate, firm way, they are more likely to internalize those lessons and carry them with them into their future.