When the Best Intentions Miss the Mark: What I’ve Learned From Listening Closely

By Kellie Smith, M.Ed. | Little Learning Table

Helping parents take a calm, connected approach to the early years, one story at a time.

Over the past 15+ years of teaching, from public schools in Oklahoma and Texas to private schools in Manhattan, I’ve learned that the moments that matter most often have nothing to do with academics.

They’re quiet moments. Side conversations. Subtle behaviors that hint at a deeper need.

I’ve met countless families who care deeply about raising kind, capable kids. However, even the most devoted caregivers can overlook the invisible messages children absorb through the choices we make, especially when we’re doing what feels best in the moment.

This post isn’t about shame. It’s about shining a gentle light on the disconnect that can happen between our intentions and our impact.

Story #1: “My Mom Said I Don’t Have To”

One afternoon during a writing lesson, a kindergartener folded her arms and refused to write. When I knelt beside her and asked why, she whispered, “My mom said I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to at school.”

I paused. I knew her mom was protective. I also knew she cared deeply about her daughter’s well-being. That said, this comment revealed a confusing message: authority and structure were optional.

Over the next few weeks, this child struggled more and more with following classroom expectations, especially when she wasn’t immediately interested in the activity.

“Choice is powerful. But children also need to learn how to do hard things—even when it’s not their favorite.”

When I gently brought this up during a parent meeting, her mom sighed, “I just want her to feel safe. I hated school as a child.”

I understood, but protecting a child from all discomfort often prevents them from building the very tools they’ll need to navigate the world with confidence.

Story #2: The Praise That Felt Like Pressure

In another classroom, I had a student who was bright, curious, and deeply kind. Every time he brought home a piece of work, his parents celebrated it loudly, snapping photos, clapping, even texting relatives.

At first, it was sweet. But then something shifted. He started asking for help constantly. He began erasing his work again and again until it was “perfect.” If a classmate finished before him, he’d panic.

One day, I asked him why he was so worried. His eyes welled up as he said, “If I mess up, they won’t be proud anymore.”

“When praise becomes performance-based, children can lose the freedom to take risks, fail, and grow.”

Later, during conferences, I shared this concern with his parents. They were heartbroken—they thought they were building confidence, not fear. That conversation changed the way they celebrated progress: from focusing on outcomes to emphasizing effort.

Zooming Out: What’s the Bigger Message?

In both stories, the parents had good intentions. One wanted her daughter to feel safe. The other wanted her son to feel seen. But in the rush to meet their children’s needs, they unintentionally sent mixed messages.

Children are always learning, especially when we’re not directly teaching.

They’re learning how to handle frustration, how to ask for help, how to try again when something feels hard. And they’re learning all of it by watching us.

What I Hope Every Parent Remembers

If you’ve ever second-guessed a decision or replayed a parenting moment in your head, you’re not alone. You care. That matters more than you know.

Here’s what I want you to hold onto:

• Your child needs structure. Even if they resist it.

• Your child needs your calm. Especially when their emotions feel big.

• Your child needs space to fail. Because confidence comes from doing hard things, not avoiding them.

  
  

And if you feel like you’ve gotten it wrong before? That’s okay. Parenting isn’t about perfection, it’s about presence, reflection, and repair.

A Gentle Invitation

If this post resonated with you, I invite you to explore more here at Little Learning Table. My work is rooted in helping families build strong foundations—emotionally, socially, and academically.

✨ Check out my 5 Tips to Raise-a-Confident-Calm-and-Joyful-Child or subscribe to my newsletter for simple tools and thoughtful support.

You’re showing up. That matters. Keep zooming out and keep trusting your long view.

With warmth,

Kellie